Forget algorithms. Forget investments. Forget stock predictions. Instead, look to what I argue to be the most accurate and legitimate method of gauging your financial future: astrology.
While many snort at the idea that the geographical positioning of Mercury influences whether or not buying a ferret is financially viable, allow me to entertain your closet zodiac for a short time with a forecast I have no official qualification to support.
So, whether you’re a blatant skeptic or in touch with your third eye, see what the planets have in store for your finances in 2020.
Choose your star sign below, or scroll through them all if you are in need of some more water-cooler conversation starters. Channel your inner astrologer.
New. New. New; the three letter word denoting your 2020, my Aries friends.
The stars predict an essence of change is on the horizon for you, whether that be a new career, raise or promotion.
Wounded Chiron (which honestly sounds like something from the Pokemon dialogue), is in your sign all year causing a major identity crisis, or maybe an impromptu decision to dye your hair orange.
March is a rewarding period overall, you fiery souls, particularly if you focus more on long-term benefits and less on short-term frustrations (or paste heaps of those little gold merit stars over your belongings, which I have found is equally as rewarding).
So, pencil into your diary to delay any adult purchasing decisions until then. Similarly, in October I’ve been told something major is planned, so do with that what you will.
Get your painting smock on and get creative with ways to improve your finance. You may be seeking out alternative sources of income now. This can be a time of freelance work or various sources of income.
Your keyword for 2020: growth. Of the good kind. Not the kind that sort of looks like a Boris Johnson shaped mole on your neck.
To be frank, everything sounds positive for you this year. You lucky little ram.
2020 sees your money zone ‘energized’, so don’t go sticking your debit card into any sockets or toasters.
However, the planetary alignment advises you not to rush into financial ties with the fam, so boycott that pyramid scheme pitched to you by your Uncle John.
Since you’re a workaholic by nature, stability in the money department is usually a given. My astrological hot tip; ask yourself exactly what you want, this will bring some clarity to your decisions surrounding money.
Everyone gives Geminis the most grief, but I actually kind of like you guys, and so does the 2020 lunar year so it seems.
Your one-word summary: hard-work. Okay yes, it’s technically two, but I wanted to be consistent.
Whispers of a ‘financially promising year’ are in store for you, so if you get serious about your finances, I’m told it will pay off. Remind yourself to inspect the finer details of your finances. Incredibly vague, but don’t shoot the messenger.
In a nutshell: contingency.
Apparently you’re going to want to go on a spending rampage from April. So take a moment to breathe, align your chakras and ask yourself if you really need it (or ask out chat-bot).
Have some money stored away in case you do spend up big, or want to take advantage of some long term investments that arise in the first half of the year.
Similar to your predecessor Gemini, hard work and dedication will earn you the rewards.
If I had to settle on one keyword denoting your 2020 finances, jungle cats, I’d choose ‘positive’. A relatively unspicy word, but best-suited nonetheless.
Your financial forecast welcomes favourable times to invest in big-ticket purchases like a new car or laptop. You could even try your hand at the stock market to become the Wolf, or Lion rather, of Wall Street. (Disclaimer: this is us interpreting the cosmos, and is not financial advice, invest at your own risk).
I recommend sending Jupiter a soppy text, or muffin basket, because the planet’s presence will ensure all your personal, routine, and incidental expenses are sorted without trouble, so you can focus on ways to save or invest.
Mid August, something will change with your finances. Will it be good? Will it be bad? I don’t know, we’ll find out after the break! Cue the game show intermission music.
The word, nay, song, to soundtrack your year: Risky - Davido.
Plaster a ‘no risk, no reward’ sticker on your laptop and be receptive to the ‘too good to pass up’ opportunities. Virgos usually play it safe with finances, but this transit helps you see the rewards. Though, use the time from mid August to the end of the year, to think rather than act. Make any dramatic changes in 2021
Spend money on yourself, but syphon things that aren’t actually necessary and put that little bit of dosh aside each month.
Okay so, the first three months of the year, well, they don’t look great.
Don’t worry, there are only a few rocky places here and there, but just don’t go copying your Virgo pals with their ‘no risk, no reward’ philosophy. You can get frisky, yes, but we’re not here to talk about your love forecast.
Now that I’ve broken you down, it’s time to build you back up. From early March it’s pretty much smooth sailing, Librans. Put on your novelty glasses and pour the mimosas. So, while you will no doubt encounter some challenges, as the wise folk say, no pain no gain.
My advice is to stay positive. Order some calming mists, scented candles and remember it will all work out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out, it’s not the end.
2020 is a year of ambition.
Rumour has it there could be some ample return on putting effort into something you’re passionate about. This could include turning a hobby into a business, or finding part-time work doing something you love. Luck is on your side now, so being at the right place at the right time is spiritually, emotionally and possibly financially rewarding.
Scorpios gonna scorp.
Saturn and Jupiter hooking up is a relationship you should be rooting for. Their unison equates to a great year for financial gain for you Sagies.
However, while you might be having a hoot making money angels on your bedroom floor, it’s time to be a grown up and put some money aside for your future.
Most Sagittarians aren’t planners, but this is one time you could benefit from looking at your long-term financial goals. Or buying expensive stationary.
Don’t rule out hiring a financial planner or getting professional advice (which, again, just to hammer the point home, this is not). Your money isn’t anything to leave to chance.
Ambition, drive and motivation, baby.
We’re not going to lie, you may face some challenges and decisions, but preparation and organisation is the best antidote, not stress-ordering a new yoga mat to combat the breakdowns.
If it’s not going to bother you in five years, don’t spend more than five minutes worrying over it. Ensure you are regularly putting money aside, are aware of any upcoming bills, birthdays and brunch dates, and you will be fineeeeeeee.
If you found things got a little hectic finance wise in 2019, expect them to have since swallowed a few Xanax and rolled into 2020 calm and ready.
Keyword for 2020: normal. Boring, right?
Speaking candidly, there is nothing overwhelmingly remarkable to report. Planning out expenses and setting money aside with each pay-cheque will prove invaluable when challenges present themselves. Whether you keep track of major costs in a notes page on your phone, or in a £79.99 leather-bound diary, the more organised you can be, the less likely you are to be caught off guard.
Listen here little fishies, there are going to be times this year where you’re going to feel like a baller. This doesn’t necessarily mean you will actually have the money to back up this baller-like behaviour, but the figurative meaning is there. Spend responsibly.
My twinkly sources recommend you make a list of expenses and prepare a budget. Buy some swanky stationary, download a handy app (*cough* Chip *cough), or match with an accountant on Hinge - do what you need to do to support your exponential spending habits.
And for the love of cod, have some money stashed away in case things get salty. Too many puns? Well don’t tell me because Pisces are sensitive.
Overall, I have sensed an overwhelming trend that if you work hard, you will get results. Mystical. Similarly, putting money away is also favoured, which just so happens to be our forte. Plus, we're told if you share this blog you get *extra* good juju, so tag your mates to ensure they get the memo.
*We are not authorised to give financial advice, so please don't take my correspondence with the stars as seriously.